world oh world

I shall leave this  untitled for now.  I have so much knowdledge yet i always like listening to the other side of my head wich is the 19 year nieaveness. I want to be like a flower wild but innocenet. I want God to be so present in my life yet when he shows up i like to hid and let everything fall to pieces. You think i would learn from experinces but my stubbroness doesn't. I want to find love but im way to scared to open up and take down my walls. Im just so scared to get hurt again, and i don't want a relationship my mom and dad have and my sister and her boyfriend. I want something special. I have been saving my self and sometimes i just want to lose the v card also but then i guess my future husband whoever he is is praying for me, i know he has to be otherwise i have no idea how i made it this far by myself. I hope i find hi m soon, i know God has someone special for me but im not going to lie im super shallow! I want the guy i think is super handsome. I have so much learning to do, i need love myself first before i can even love someone else. which is a really hard thing to do.