I so dont know/ dont read..

Ugh I was doing a Bible study and I just go infuriated. Idk whybibjust cpuldnt finished and my mind went to that dippsh#* like why hasnt he called me or any th ing. Im just pissed. And idk of course I dont want him to after everything he has done.  Idk why I feel like I did before I returned to God. I want to mpve on I need to take a quiet moment and I guess fpcus on what I do have. I just get even fustrateder (if thats a word)  when my dad tries to talk about God I want to say dad, shut up. Ypu dont know God!!  That is why ypur sp unhappy and mean! And my mom I feel like she always just says it becaise that is what ahe is supposed to say. I guess I say that because she doesnt even try to develop a relationship.with him. She just clings on what she did with him in the past. Your mjnd always needs renewing though,!! She doesnt try anything that seems complecaited. Or out of her zone if it isnt fun. Maybe th is means God need to work on my heart for saying these things. I just want out of here. I dont mean them in a mean way I would them rather not tell me what to do all the time though. They had a chance to do the spituRual parenting .

Da struggle real girl

Sooo, today I had a good day. My morning bible study was amazing! It was ehat I needed to hear it told me how to.soften my heart and how peoples heart harden. Mines is mainly I densenstizedyself to things. So my new journey right now is too try and submerge myself in him! So.I can completely heal! My ex called and I stayed dignfied and a straight head. I would normal keep asking questions which I already know that answers to and hear his lies. Yea it hurt that he just wanted to know.how I found out about him getting back with his ex. So it made me be like he doesnt care, so.why try and have feeling for him. Also I texted his little little brother. I dont want him to.end up like his older brothers. So we are going to pray for eachother and im gonna help him stay on track and he I think will really help me. I know I should loose contact, because maybe I am just uing the little brother to hang in, but at the same time I want to help him stay with God. But if I dont as about the ex then whats the harm right....... Im not sure I will pray about it. Alright so back to summergeing myself. At night Im going to be studying lies young women believe.  Th e only problem I know I need to probally listening to secular music right now, but I love it so ill work on that. I mean its not bad but when your as weak as I am its better to be prepared. So I guess im off to do mynight studies.
ONE LOVE ONE WAY ONE GOD

The journey

Ok well since last night I found out about my ex cheating on me, :( and he was caught in the act by the girls boyfriend.  He then called his ex to back with her so it is clear he wants nothingbto do.with me. It is weird why I.wpuld keep chasing after him! I need help, a push in th e direcion of my fututre just to keep going and forget about him. I pray and pray to keep me busy so far it dosnt seem to be happening im not sure what direction im supposed to go I feel so alone.but I known these feeling and my heart breaks will go. Why would I wnt to.stay with someine who abused me cheated and lied to me and once raped me.  It is something I need to walk away from.  Ill look back snd see what was I thinking. But my focus is soley on him I constsntly think will he be happy in th e future and im scared he will find someone else and she will be th e greatest for him and il be forgotten if I couldnt changed him and make him happy I dont want anyone else to.and I knw tha is selfish but he was selfish he never loved me he just kept me so no one else could have me.  The struggle is real. I need prayers:( have tp go to work for now so peace. I just wanted to be a difference maker

Doing great:)

Oh yes! All though im still a couple steps behind, I can at least look for the good in.everything now, and know I am truely blessed. Its fustrating, how stubborn we can be as humans!! If we just open our ears and listen then we could hesr what God is telling us. I look forward in my sdventure and job search!! Ill keep it posted. I actually love having no followers on this site then I can be 100% real and not.have to filter myself. Its when you have to worry what people are going to thing and say is when thungs get hard.

Burn

I guess that was good bye

You knew it, yet I did not. 

You said it felt like this was the last time we will kiss. 

When I said what... You said well not the last but for awhile.

I should of known then  this would happen to us.loosing my virginity, was something I knew I shouldn't do, god gave me every opertunity to back out yet I didn't want to. He opened every door for my escape and yet I rejected it. I blame myself for my situtation and my ex. He took my innocence and everything good about me. No I feel like I have to start over. I love him with all my heart but I have to tell myself I don't and put up a wall so I don't get hurt. It's the only way to not lose myself and everything I. Worked for.It is the only way to let go to. We both know we can't make it with the 6hr distance. We both were too stubborn about staying together then it became we were stubborn not to be the first to let go. And now the time has come where there is no other option but to say goodbye. So goodbye.

Ha wow

Wow, so I haven't wrote on my blog since I was 19, it's some of amusing knowing how I used to feel. How I thought I was in love. Now I'm in a new season of 21 and yet again my heart is torn from someone whom I know is not ment to be. Yet I love again and can't let go when I get hurt over and over. Why can't life be simple. Why can't it just be black and white without any shades of gray in between? Now I suffer and feel stuck that I'm a recent graduate from college but yet again I know God will

Help me even though I'm 58,000 dollars in debit an my heart is broken. Jut trusting is the hard thing.

may, 31 2012

Ok I only have two more month of being 19! Only two more months. I was hoping to do something amazing before i reached my 20th birthday. Like make an amazing film or travel to Africa. Maybe just have an Adventure of my life, or so something meaningful that would help jump start my career. i guess Starting college at !7 and having my own apartment and being able to pay my bills is an acomplishment but I want something more. I guess I can't accomplish anything if I don't know what I want yet. Ok so lately in my life if yo u want to know I found who i thought was the perfect guy name Jake, he turned out to be a totaly dirt bag like all guys. I am learning not to Expect much but give everything,  those are some powerful words. I need to get those pattened like the marlin manrro saying's.  I know your saying don't give what you don't recive. It should be equal, but this world is made not fair and that is what God has decided it to be. If I give Everything i can never get sad for failing because i didn't give it my all. Also if everyone thought im only going to give if in know i am going to get, or Im going to give but i expect things back, you are going to live unhappy and miss out on so much that could open so many doors. Right now i am righting a blog because i Know i enjoy writting but im not sure what about writting i know fer sure it isn't the spelling and grammer part though! But maybe just being able to express my self. I love feeling my fingers flowing effortlsly anlong the keyboard or my pencial gliding across a table. Just getting your thoughts how also helps you discover yourself more. I seem to like to ask questions and to have my ideas run in CIrcles.  I like to ask question that seem to have many anwers. I lvve trying to figure out difficult things. I guees now would be a time to reflect on the postive things in my life.
ok i have alot of opertunites and God has never left me. I mean i have connected with 2 churches. I have had contless internships. I only fear what my degree may mean to other companies. is it a joke? i mean not many teachers here are elite. If you know what I mean. I should be typing up my 5 page essay that is due on monday in stead of this blog. That woudl add to my grade!